Thursday, 27 March 2014

Writer's block

I have a severe case of writer's block and have for a few weeks now. I'm currently home alone on a Thursday night and I have just watched the last episode of Girls series three and now I'm sad. I also have this constant worry about exams which are in eight weeks time but yet I do nothing. I don't ever fancy coming home after crappy college and then going straight into work again. But, who does? As my mad Gran said this morning, "We all have to do things we don't want to do." (She's crazy and selfish so I was surprised by these wise words).
I haven't been able to think of any good ideas for a new blog post. The last post I was happy with was the one about being 'cool' but since then, my morale has just spiraled down. I miss my blog when I first started and I was talking to all you guys and we would give each other awards but now I feel closed off. I miss talking to you and giving advice and asking for advice. I always seem to do that. As soon as I feel comfortable, I start slipping away and need to be dragged back. So if anyone fancies a chat, then I'm up for it. I'm always here.

All photos from tumblr of course.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

My youth is gone like a dream...

I finally turned 18 last week! I'm an adult! That must mean that I won't be posting any more blog posts moaning about life...oh wait, I'm still technically a 'teen' and everyone moans about life, not just teenagers, right? Other than turning 18, I've also gone past my 1 year anniversary of having this blog and, oh god, do I moan a lot. But, everyone knows, and seems to forget, it's hard growing up. I had the nicest email from Rosalindis last week and it made me realise that I'm not alone in my struggles and that's comforting for me. If anyone else would like to send me an email about anything (nothing rude though) then my email is at the bottom of my blog.

I do know how lucky I am. I have great friends and through that I have been able to do amazing things with them. One of my friends, for my birthday, got me loads of photographs of our fun times together. While my family were looking through them, each one said how lucky I was and they never had a teenage life like it. I know. I'm super lucky. That doesn't mean that things still don't get me down. Everyone feels down at some point. College gets too stressful or your friends are having an argument. Either way, we all want somewhere to vent...weirdly enough, I choose to do that online where anyone and everyone can read it.

Rosie also said something that made me scream in my head "YES, YES, YES! You get it!" "I guess going over the top is the whole point of being a teenager. If we cant be radical now, then when can we?!" We're all a bunch of mopey teenagers that feel like they have something to say and want to say it. What's the harm in that? And that idea has been going on for centuries. I'm currently doing coursework comparing Charlotte Bronte's 'Jane Eyre' with Jean Rhys' 'Wide Sargasso Sea' and both of those authors were incredibly grumpy. They lived with their heart of their sleeve. My favourite quote by Charlotte Bronte was when it was her birthday she wrote, "My youth is gone like a dream; and very little use have I ever made of it." I like to think that we're all wearing our hearts on our sleeves like Charlotte.

Jean Rhys also said one of my favourite quotes,
 “When I was excited about life, I didn't want to write at all. I've never written when I was happy. I didn't want to. But I've never had a long period of being happy, Do you think anyone has? I think you can be peaceful for a long time, When I think about it, if I had to choose, I'd rather be happy than write. You see, there's very little invention in my books. What came first with most of them was the wish to get rid of this awful sadness that weighed me down . I found when I was a child that if I could put the hurt into words, it would go. It leaves a sort of melancholy behind and then it goes.” 
Whenever I write, it's usually because I'm unhappy about something and want to be rid of it. Jean has literally managed to get my whole concept of writing this blog in a paragraph, and I love her for it. I like to think that each generation of teenage girls are filled with hopeless romantics like Jean, Charlotte, me, the people who read my blog and the people I follow. It's not that we're not 'lucky' it's just sometimes life gets us down and we like to write about it. We might over-emphasise a factor of something, but isn't that just to engage the reader more? Isn't that what you do when you're a hopeless romantic? So many people have made a living out of it so we must be doing something right.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Fake it 'til you make it?

I'm quite a shy person when it comes to talking to new people. If I'm surrounded by others, then I won't be. It's a strange thing, but I seem to be more confident with people than on my own.  Maybe they're a kind of support for me? I don't know. But one thing I do hear often is the phrase - 'Fake it 'til you make it'. And I've struggled to understand it. If you're already shy, how are you able to 'fake it' in the first place?

If I have to have a one to one meeting with a teacher or something, I automatically feel nervous about it. No matter what it is. In the past, they haven't gone well (with me ending up crying) so maybe I'm haunted by the past. But anyway, yesterday, I had to talk to my vice-principle about something and before going in I had 'fake it 'til you make it' circling in my head. I walked in. Sat down. And fought for what I wanted. I came out and my face was bright red, but at least I didn't cry. Maybe it was because the man I was talking to was really patronising and I felt that I had to show him that I can speak up for myself. Or maybe I did in fact....fake it. Either way, I got the outcome I wanted.

But in the past I've pondered on this phenomenon. It doesn't make sense to me that someone who is naturally shy would be able to fake it. I have some sassy friends who repeat that phrase to me but ever since I've known them, they've always been confident - they couldn't have been faking it when they were eight...could they? I feel so much admiration for them, because to me, being sassy with teachers is hard, but they get their way. I'm confident at home, with my friends, outside of school. But there's something about college/school that makes me quieter.

College is a place, for me, where I go in, get the stuff done and leave. I work hard and in return, I don't want it to stress me out - even though it of course will. I don't want to be embarrassed by getting a question wrong and I don't want to annoy teachers by pestering them about stupid little things. However, this year, I've started doing those things. Every Friday I go and pester my tutor to ask if I have to go to tutorial that day and even if the outcome isn't what I wanted, I'm pleased I did it. I still rarely ask teachers for help but I do have a rapport with them, which is hard in a class of thirty.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that, I don't think I'm 'faking it', I think I'm growing up. Talking to grown ups gets easier once you get older and I seem to have only realised that after my meeting yesterday. I'm actually so proud of myself. My 15 year old self would have given in but here I am, two years on and I now have less stress to deal with. I don't think I'm going to suddenly become really confident in classes but I'll get there in the end. It turns out instead of faking it, I have to wait to make it.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Inside a lazy person's mind

I saw 'Inside Llewyn Davis' last night and it seems that the Coen Brothers have done it again. Their parents must be so fucking proud. I now long to live in New York and write films, however, I doubt that will ever happen. Unlike the Joel Coen, I didn't work at the age of eight to save up to buy a camera and then make remakes of films I had already seen. Instead, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Who does at the age of eight? I went from pop star, to hairdresser, to writer (to be honest I still want to be this) to actress (and this). I change my mind so often that I've started to put off things because I think I'll change my mind again. Or maybe I put off things because I'm lazy...that seems more likely.

Everything for Llewyn Davis was just going wrong. No one would buy his music. Everyone around him was doing well. And he just spent his time finding sofas to sleep on for the night at someone's house. I felt so much empathy for him. I constantly feel like everyone else is doing so well and I'm stuck in a rut. Perhaps everyone feels this way - which I can see to be true. But even though everything seemed to be going wrong for Llewyn, he never seemed to give up. Not properly anyway. I, however, give up on things very easily. Even if I enjoy them. If they take up too much time, I'll stop doing it. If it's hard work, I'll stop doing it. Yes, it seems I am the epitome of a lazy person.

Maybe if I lived in New York it would be different. Maybe if I saw everyone else around me looking like they have a purpose I would keep going. Llewyn may have had it bad, but at least he didn't live in Birmingham. It would be a dream to even visit New York. But I also feel that there's no use having high hopes because they're more likely to crash and burn and make you feel worse. I, instead, make out that everything is going to be rubbish. A party. A result. A college day. So that when it happens, it's not as bad as I thought. If that makes me a pessimist, at least I get happy from the outcome.

Even though I know I'm lazy and I give up, I still keep doing it. However, when I'm 80 years old, I don't think I'll feel like I did nothing with my life. Not everyone can be Nelson Mandela. We must look at the small victories. For example, at the moment, my blog makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. It's helping my writing and the comments make me feel like I'm helping people. I just feel like people need to know they're not the only ones feeling the way they do, so that's why I write honest blog posts. So far, I've done this for nearly a year and I've kept up with it. I've had rocky moments but I've always come back.

Anyway, I highly recommend that you go and see Inside Llewyn Davis. It's perfect. The music in it was so amazing to watch, instead of cutting it half way through, they play the whole song. The best scene though is definitely when Oscar Isaac, Justin Timberlake and Adam Driver sing a song called 'Please Mr Kennedy.' Me and my brother have been singing it for nearly a week now and it never gets old. It's on youtube if you want to check it out - it won't ruin the film for you. The film is just really funny and relatable. Life's tough.

All pictures from Tumblr, you can tell I'm lazy because I can't be bothered to get the specific links... Maybe instead of Mabel's Mind, my blog url should be 'lazypersonsmind'

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

The obsession with 'cool'

Why is everyone obsessed with being cool? If someone isn't cool, people make out that they're not worth talking to. If you don't wear certain clothes, listen to specific music or say the 'coolest' things, then that ultimately means you're not cool. This obsession leaves me filled with anxiety when I do something that I know most people don't see as cool and then I don't know what people want from me! Surely the idea of 'cool' should be an opinion. There's no specific way to be cool because, for me, I see things as cool that no other people would. 

 Next Saturday I'm going to see Taylor Swift. Now, I know Rookie and Tavi love Taylor Swift. Lorde is friends with Taylor Swift. The Vaccines are fans of Taylor Swift. Nearly every magazine and newspaper are positive about Taylor Swift. But everyone else doesn't think she's cool. To be honest, I don't necessarily think her music is cool but that's not why I like her. I'm not so obsessed with my appearance or the way people think of me to stop not liking things just because they're not 'cool' in other people's eyes. But I still constantly feel judged. For me, the 22 music video is cool. I want to have friends that dance to cheesy songs, eat loads of cake and pizza and just have a fun time not caring about anyone else. Instead, I constantly feel ridiculed by what I like.

Why can't people forget about their 'coolness' for a while and just have a good time? I think it may be because of who I'm with. People at my college are obsessed with being cool. The way they talk in a really 'hoity toity' (never thought I'd ever use that phrase) way. The way they look at everyone else as if they're much better. The way they actively don't talk to people or make an effort with people just because they're not there version of cool. It makes me sick. 

What's even more annoying is that this idea of cool changes so often. People I know change their opinions so often to fit in with what's cool. Don't get me wrong, I do this too. I change my opinion all the time, but not so it can fit under the category of cool. I just feel that it's hard being a teenager. We already have stress with exams, why create more stress by inventing what's cool and what isn't. Why can't we just like whatever we want without being constantly ridiculed. 

However, what I have also realised is that even the idea of coolness is mocked. I rarely like music from nowadays apart from Taylor Swift and a few exceptions. But I do really like stuff from the 60s, 70s and 80s. The other day I was discussing what music I liked (music seems to be the highest point of what is cool) and I mentioned that I rarely like contemporary music. This came with a sarcastic comment, "oooo you're so indie and hipster." Probably one of the worst things ever to hear at my age, but again, I don't see why. WE CAN NEVER WIN. I don't like the music I like just because it's cool, I like it because it's great and it makes me feel good. Surely that should be why we like things, not because it's cool but because it makes us feel gooooood. 

I wouldn't see my blog as cool, but someone else might. My brother looked at it (without my consent) and mentioned how it was cool but I've never really thought about it. I write about what I'm interested in, what I think others would like to hear and what is circling in my brain at the time. That may be 'cool' but I don't mean it to be. This just seems to add to another stress of being a teenager that I can not be bothered to deal with. Leave a comment if you feel the same as me or have any stories about 'coolness'. As usual, thanks for reading pals.

Monday, 6 January 2014

I've played all my cards

I always seem to get inspiration for a blog post, a film, a book at night. I don't know whether it's because nothing else around me is happening and it's only me, my bed and my thoughts but I always regret never writing them down (I'm lazy) because I never remember them the next day. Who knows, I could have the answer to the meaning of life but I don't remember it. Sometimes I write notes on my phone when I have a blog post idea and I checked just now but all it has is films I want to watch, books I want to read and Christmas present ideas (how selfish). This isn't going to be one of those cheesy 'new year, new me' things because I've been a new person for seventeen years now and I'm bored. Now I have to focus on A Levels.

I have all my offers for University. How daunting is that? They've given me grades that I need to achieve by the end of the year but I don't want to think about that. I need to stop thinking about the future and take each day as it comes. Whenever someone says that, I don't really understand what they mean. We all go through each day, we can't ever skip one. 'Live in the moment' is such a cheesy saying that I'm cringing just thinking about it. You can't 'live in the fucking moment' without what happened in the past and what will happen in the future. I'm sick of thinking about what I will achieve when I'm older. What I want to be. Who I want to become. University is a place where people assume their prospects are so high, that everything will work out for them. But as soon as you leave, it's like leaving out the back of a building where it's all dark and mouldy and stinks of shit.

I'm not being a pessimist. I can't wait for University and the opportunities and all that crap but at the moment I want to take advantage of the fact that I'm still technically a child. I have my parents and friends. I don't feel like that's an unhealthy thought. So many people want to grow up but I'm the opposite, I would happily stay dependent on my mum but I know one day I'll have to walk through the door to the back of the building. But for now, I want to listen to Abba on my new record player and read all the shit books that make me happy and watch my favourite films.

I hope we all had a good Christmas. I go on YouTube a lot and so many people are doing the 'what they got for christmas' thing. I don't care. I just want to know if everyone was well. If you missed anyone. If the food was amazingggg. I also hope you had a good New Years. I spent mine with my friends. This will be the last New Year where we're all living in the same place and I'm not sure we're ready. I don't think anyone is ready for University, you just have to do it. I could easily be a hermit and stay in my bed and have no social interactions but you just have to do things to be a human being.

Oh yeah, I also really want to change my blog url because it's embarrassing but then isn't it really complicated to do? Don't you lose all your followers or something? 

All pictures from Tumblrrrrrrr.

Monday, 16 December 2013

My Own Girl Gang


When I look at my life I think of one thing: my friends. We've had so many happy times together it seems sad that it's in our nature to think of the bad things. Of course, we've had our fair share of arguments but doesn't that show how close we are? If you don't argue with someone you're really close to, are you really that close? For me, the arguments have now become happy memories, not because it's that "Oh, we'll laugh when we look back at how stupid we are" (I still do that) but because they've only made us stronger. If we can get through what we think is the worst time, then surely we can get through anything?

As a group, we've been strong since year seven, with our rucksacks being bigger than us and toothpaste on our school uniforms. Now, we're in our final year of college and, even though we're at different colleges, we're still strong. We talk to each other everyday as if nothing has changed since we were all put in the same form on day one. But as we got closer and as we spent more time together, you could tell the irritation was at it's height. By the end of year eleven, anything somebody said, there would be an argument. Someone would get overly sensitive, or overly competitive or they might just be a little irritable that day (we were under a lot of pressure with exams) and I worried that it was all wearing thin. 

If it was wearing thin, I must take some responsibility. When deciding which college we wanted to go to, I went somewhere else. I went for the easier option. There was a lot of stress going on in my family at the time and I chose quickly, not knowing what I was doing. I made myself think that what I was doing was good for me, I was more obsessed with the idea of going somewhere different than actually doing it. I wanted to be Angela Chase and just have a change. The tensions in the group were getting higher and higher and I just wanted out. I wanted to find my Rayanne Graff and become rebellious. But that's not in my nature and my friends knew that. I knew that, but inside I didn't want to admit it.

That first year of college was tough, to say the least. I didn't know what I wanted, who I was, where I was going and everyone around me seemed to know. I started comparing myself to everyone else around me. But I was comparing my 'behind-the scenes' to their 'highlight reel' (thanks to Taylor Swift for that). I thought my friends had it sorted and I began clouding my mind with 'what ifs'. What if I went to their college? What if I didn't choose this subject? What if I did this? What if, what if what if?! 

However, what I have realised is everyone my age is confused. We're at that stage in life where nothing is set in stone and that's scary, but it can also be excited depending on how you look at it. I was always scared of it last year, but this year, and I honestly can say, I find it exciting and I think that's down to my friends. It doesn't matter that I went somewhere else because I know I can always go back to them in the evening, at weekends, holidays and so on (insert 'You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home' by Miley Cyrus here and loads of cheesy shit). Finally, I can say, I have no regrets about the last couple of years. 

This summer was great. It was full of laughs and tears and memories that I won't forget and that's all thanks to them. When we all move away to go to University or whatever, I know even then I can talk to them and they'll understand me. It'll be hard, but just like me going to a different college, it's these leaps that we have to do in order to grow as a person and as a group. These past years, we've become more worldly than just the six of us and that's nice. We now see other things than just our little circle but when we need that closure, we can still come together and block off the world. My girl gang is better than any 'Pink Lady' or Riot Grrrrrrrl because they're where I truly belong. 

These past weeks I haven't been writing on my blog as much because I've been growing. To think, I didn't realise any of this until about a month ago. It's the people you surround yourself with that makes you the person that you are, I'm just extremely lucky that I found the right people so early on. What I really want to know is about your 'own personal girl gang', write a blog post or a comment about how much you loveeee your friends! Now, on that rather cheesy note, I feel like I should end with that particular Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana song because I have some inside jokes behind it anyway...

All pictures from per usual............